


SHAG, MARRY, KILL: Eve Polastri discusses her infamous season as The Bachelorette

by HenryMercury



Category: Killing Eve (TV 2018)
Genre: Alternate Universe, F/F, F/M, Italics... I am sorry, MILF discourse, Murder Mystery, Reality TV, Retrospective, The Bachelorette - Freeform, interview format
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-21
Updated: 2020-12-21
Packaged: 2021-03-10 22:14:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,847
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28214544
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HenryMercury/pseuds/HenryMercury
Summary: Britain’s latest Bachelorette opens up about the romantic reality TV jaunt that became a true crime thriller.
Relationships: Amber Peel/Villanelle | Oksana Astankova, Eve Polastri/Villanelle | Oksana Astankova, Hugo/Eve Polastri
Comments: 31
Kudos: 102





	SHAG, MARRY, KILL: Eve Polastri discusses her infamous season as The Bachelorette

**Author's Note:**

> I've been in a big writing slump. The antidote? Something dumb and not too dense to write. I hope it's also entertaining to read.
> 
> Note also that 'me' is not really me... I hope??

I meet Eve Polastri, latest Bachelorette to star in the eponymous television show, in a dingy London bar at half two in the afternoon. Polastri orders a gin and tonic—her go-to drink, as any fan of the show will know.

Between the setting and her classically taciturn demeanour, I feel more like I’m bargaining for intel with a grizzled secret agent than interviewing the woman at the centre of reality TV’s most unforgettable season.

I suggest we start with the basics.

**_HM:_ ** _You never expected to be chosen as the Bachelorette._

**_EP:_ ** _Absolutely not. I applied as a joke—one that seemed funny at the time. A good friend and I were celebrating the anniversary of my divorce when we had the idea. Mostly, signing up was going to be a way of coming out to my extended family. But just because they were having a Diversity Moment™ looking for a bisexual Bachelorette didn’t mean I really thought a forty-something Asian-American divorcee was going to have a shot._

**_HM:_ ** _And yet…_

Eve laughs.

**_EP:_ ** _Right. You know, when Carolyn first called me with the offer I actually told her I wasn’t interested._

**_HM:_ ** _What changed?_

**_EP:_ ** _Bill._

Polastri quiets at the mention of Bill Pargrave, the friend who encouraged her to apply for the show. She hasn’t spoken publicly about the circumstances surrounding his tragic death at a Berlin nightclub, although plenty of (wildly conflicting) accounts have surfaced across the internet since she became a household name.

**_HM:_ ** _You did it for him._

**_EP:_** _He really wanted me to put myself out there. Also, at that time it felt like I had nothing left to lose; why_ not _go on a TV program where all of Britain watches me date two dozen people at the same time?_

By rights, a stint on a frivolously glitzy dating show should have been a light-hearted distraction. And, despite the darker turn taken by this unique season, there were moments of humour.

More often than not, these were provided by the self-proclaimed ‘MILF Appreciation Society’ consisting of two of the younger participants, Hugo Turner and Oksana Astankova.

**_HM:_ ** _Talk to me about the MILF thing._

Eve snorts.

**_EP:_ ** _I still don’t get it. I don’t have any kids!_

**_HM:_ ** _Apparently once you get to a certain age you automatically become a MILF?_

**_EP:_ ** _Like I said, no idea. Way to make me feel old, though._

**_HM:_ ** _There’s been a lot of positivity around their perspective that age is an actively desirable feature in a woman. The industry’s saturated with romantic partnerships between very young women and older men._

Polastri agrees, but in a way that suggests she either doesn’t see her role as part of a cultural shift, or doesn’t like to be assigned that influence. What makes her so alluring certainly _can’t_ be summed up by demographics; no viewer could see someone so passionately unpredictable and hilariously funny as tokenistic or stereotypical. But, arguably, this showcase of individuality makes her a perfect representative.

**_HM:_ ** _You actually connected more with those two than with a lot of the contestants closer to your own age. Why do you think that was?_

**_EP:_ ** _Seems like I’m drawn to people who piss me off. The fact they’re both not only young, but rich and white too? I think I enjoyed being offered a slice of that raw, indulgent confidence. They challenged me to inhabit that with them._

Polastri laughs and drains the last of her drink.

**_HM:_ ** _Jamie Hayward challenged you and pissed you off too. Why not him?_

An eyeroll.

**_EP:_ ** _He looked at me like he thought he knew what was best for me. Like he wanted to help calm the rough parts of me, shut them down—because it’d worked for him, or whatever. In that sense was like a version of my ex you’d find in a Narcotics Anonymous group._

**_HM:_ ** _What about Jess—you two seemed to be going places until she revealed her three-year-old son. You sent her home that episode, prompting a lot of people to debate whether it should really have been a dealbreaker._

At this point, Polastri gets up and orders a fresh drink. I watch the absentminded tapping of her foot as she watches the barkeep make it for her. She doesn’t let him skimp on the Tanqueray.

She returns to our table less flustered than she left it, but also visibly steelier. Her stare is intimidating, and I’m reminded that this is a woman who’s publicly held her nerve through some abnormally stressful situations.

**_HM:_ ** _Sorry if that was a shitty question._

**_EP:_ ** _Yeah, it was a shitty question. But I guess it’s one people are going to keep asking. Maybe this time they’ll get the message? I do not want kids. If I was ever going to have them, I’d have had them with my former husband; hell, it was even one of the reasons our marriage didn’t work out. This is not a judgement on anyone else’s lifestyle, nor it is some- some offhand dismissal of a potential match. You don’t step into a child’s life unless you’re serious about being a parent! That’s not where I am in life. That’s not where I’m going. So yes, I get along well with Jess. Yes, I hope we’ll be friends for a long time. And yes, the fundamental incompatibility of our life goals is a completely valid dealbreaker when choosing a partner._

**_HM:_ ** _Well said._

**_EP:_ ** _You’d better print that properly. I’m tired of interviewers watering it down._

I promise to print it word for word.

**_EP:_ ** _You know, you can just ask about the murders. Everyone else does._

I tell her I’m working up to it. Setting the scene first.

**_EP:_ ** _Foreplay._

**_HM:_ ** _If you want to call it that. When did you first realise something wasn’t right on set?_

**_EP:_ ** _Well, it was super weird that Aaron Peel was there in the first place. It made sense to see Amber—she’s the type—but Aaron? The guy never publicly dates anyone, let alone on a show run by a network he’s been feuding with ever since he inherited his dad’s company._

**_HM:_ ** _The theory that he came to chaperone when he couldn’t stop Amber from doing the show?_

**_EP:_ ** _Plausible._

**_HM:_ ** _Theory that he came to sabotage the show?_

**_EP:_ ** _Also plausible._

**_HM:_ ** _Theory that he was the killer?_

Polastri hesitates—and with good reason. Aaron Peel himself was one of the cast members who never made it back out of the house. Given the distinctly un-suicidal manner of his demise, to implicate him as a killer would be to imply there was more than one.

**_EP:_ ** _Plausible. Look, can I be real with you here? Sometimes we need to speak ill of the dead. The guy was a controlling creep. His presence was a complete anomaly, and from the moment Kasia was killed every instinct in my body told me that whatever shady business was going on had something to do with him._

She refers, of course, to Polish expat and model Kasia Molkovska. The 23-year old’s body was found in a large pool of blood in an unsurveilled bathroom before the first round of votes had even taken place. The network has been criticised for withholding this information from a majority of contestants until later in the season when events spiralled further out of control.

**_HM:_ ** _You were one of the only ones who knew about Kasia right after it happened._

**_EP:_ ** _Yeah. Oksana, she was the one who found the body. She came to me in a panic. I remember her clinging to me, crying. I took it to Carolyn, and Carolyn… hushed it up._

**_HM:_ ** _Shock treats everyone differently, but, knowing her better now, does Oksana’s behaviour that night strike you as odd?_

Polastri deliberates. Throughout the series Oksana Astankova proved herself to be no shrinking violet. The 26-year-old is now famed (and thoroughly memeified) for her intermittently frosty manner and habit of mercilessly putting her housemates in their places—delivering brutal tongue-lashings and, in one epically memorable case, a book to the face.

**_EP:_ ** _Look, the thing about reality TV is that it’s not real. It’s dramatised, even scripted. I can believe she thought playing up the emotional reaction would be the thing to do. It could also have been an attempt to form a bond with me early in the game._

**_HM:_ ** _An unsuccessful attempt, given your early animosity towards her._

**_EP:_ ** _Not to come across as horribly insensitive, but I think we’ve already established I didn’t come here looking for someone to mother. The needy little girl act didn’t work on me. I nearly sent her home that first night._

**_HM:_ ** _What stopped you? Besides the fact she’s incredibly hot._

**_EP:_ ** _Don’t let her hear you say that—her ego’s gigantic already._

**_HM:_ ** _Will she read this?_

**_EP:_ ** _Yes._

**_HM:_ ** _I’ll add your exasperation to the record then._

**_EP:_ ** _Thank you. Where were we? What stopped me from sending her home was actually that I saw her casually flirting with Amber Peel during the rose ceremony. No outward sign that she’d just been traumatised by stumbling onto an actual crime scene. She caught my eye at one point like she was daring me to get rid of her… that’s when I realised I needed to know more._

**_HM:_ ** _And she’s incredibly hot._

**_EP:_ ** _Oh shut up._

**_HM:_ ** _How did you respond to Kasia Molkovska’s death? I’ve been given strict instructions not to probe into your work history, but I understand you’re no stranger to crime?_

**_EP:_ ** _You make it sound like I was in some kind of mafia._

**_HM:_ ** _For all I know you were._

We laugh together.

**_EP:_ ** _I wish. I mean, I wish it’d been that exciting; in reality it’s just a mundane privacy thing. Most of my experience with crime comes from studying criminal psychology and watching as many true crime documentaries as I can._

**_HM:_ ** _Is that what fired up your investigative instincts? Your drive to, for want of a better word, spy on your housemates for any clues about the killer?_

**_EP:_ ** _I think I’m just more at home in a murder mystery than a rom-com; it wasn’t even something I consciously decided to do. I also thought, ‘Carolyn seems calm about this. Maybe it’s all part of the storyline’._

**_HM:_ ** _Do you believe the Book Incident was scripted?_

**_EP:_ ** _Oh no, that was not a stunt—and the network wouldn’t sanction it for real. Especially not with the number of lawsuits they already have with Pharaday subsidiaries. The weirdest part was Aaron actually seemed to develop a bit of a crush on Oksana after she did that to him. He insisted they let her stay in the show._

**_HM:_ ** _That’s another thing that sets the new series apart—the fact that with a mixture of genders and sexualities, any of the contestants could conceivably fall for another contestant instead of the Bachelorette. How’d that make you feel?_

**_EP:_ ** _Honestly? It took the pressure off. It was also quite entertaining to watch! Elena having the hots for one of the camera guys was a priceless fourth wall break—or is it fifth, in reality TV? Either way I wish the entire world could have seen the look on Carolyn’s face when they told her. I can confirm that Elena and Kenny are still happily dating now._

**_HM:_ ** _The theory that Kenny was actually another contestant planted in the role of cameraman?_

**_EP:_ ** _Utter bullshit. You know he’s Carolyn Martens’ son, right? She was furious._

Given the variables, it must be the schadenfreude that leads Polastri to speak about what might be considered the romantic B-plot of her _Bachelorette_ season with a measure of dreamy affection she doesn’t spare for the rest of the cast—even those with whom she shared romantically or sexually charged moments.

**_HM:_ ** _Hugo Turner was taken to hospital not long after you two spent the night together. Do you think he was targeted for that reason?_

**_EP:_ ** _It seems too coincidental to ignore. Ironically he told me he was going to leave the next day anyway. He came to have fun, he said, and he’d done what he came to do._

**_HM:_ ** _In his pre-show interview he described his goal as ‘bagging a MILF’._

Polastri smiles, faint but fond.

**_EP:_ ** _Such a dick._

**_HM:_ ** _You’ve kept in touch since the show, then?_

**_EP:_ ** _No._

She leaves it at that, and it feels like a hard line. It’s this that convinces me there’s more to know.

**_HM:_ ** _What was Hugo’s dynamic with Aaron Peel like? They didn’t interact much in the final cut._

**_EP:_ ** _That’s because they didn’t interact much full stop. Hugo realised pretty early on that his tactics—cheeky flirting, flaunting his wealth and education—had no effect on Peel. He tried cosying up to Amber briefly but she wasn’t too impressed by those things either._

**_HM:_ ** _The common thread was Oksana, then. She and Amber Peel had something of a liaison following ‘Bookgate’. Could Aaron have been jealous?_

**_EP:_ ** _Those pieces don’t fit together. Aaron Peel was there to police what Amber said publicly, not who she slept with; I don’t believe that what Aaron wanted from Oksana was sex, and even if it had been Hugo had nothing to do with the Oksana-Amber hookup. The connection isn’t there._

**_HM:_ ** _Maybe Aaron wanted Oksana’s attention. They connected through violence when she hit him; if not sex then maybe that was something he felt they could share._

Something about the suggestion discomfits Polastri. An idea she hasn’t had yet? One she doesn’t want made public? Or perhaps she simply thinks I’m reaching too far.

Perhaps I am.

**_HM:_ ** _Oksana was provoked into violence by Peel at least the once. Did she ever seem to have any violent urges beyond that?_

**_EP:_ ** _No._

Polastri denies it quickly, automatically, as if pleading the fifth.

**_HM:_ ** _Do you think she could have had anything to do with Aaron’s… dispatching? She certainly didn’t seem to like him._

**_EP:_ ** _Nobody liked him. What are you, a cop? I’ve already been through this with the relevant people._

When the legs of her chair scrape backwards against the polished concrete floor, I hold my hands up in surrender. The cop thing is a low blow, especially given she’s right.

**_HM:_ ** _Just—tell me about Oksana?_

Polastri looks at me warily, but sits. The young Russian continues to elicit reactions from her, even if the nature of those reactions remains unpredictable.

**_HM:_ ** _Tell me about that season finale._

**_EP:_ ** _She was stupid. I was stupid. The whole fucking thing was just so stupid. I assumed it was scripted on Carolyn’s part and didn’t feel like playing ball. Turns out it wasn’t._

**_HM:_ ** _You’re referring to the proposal._

**_EP:_ ** _Obviously. Did I mention it was really fucking dumb? Like, she thinks we’re going to just elope because we had chemistry on some contrived TV show? What kind of person believes that?_

**_HM:_ ** _A romantic._

**_EP:_ ** _She can be. But she should have known better than to think I would go with it._

**_HM:_ ** _Your on-screen relationship was…_

**_EP:_ ** _Stupid?_

**_HM:_ ** _I was going to say ‘tumultuous’. To the viewer it seemed you were running through a field of wildflowers and stepping on every possible landmine as you went._

She raises an eyebrow at my linguistic floristry, but I stand by it. I got my whole English degree, which means I am legally allowed a metaphor from time to time.

**_EP:_ ** _It’s hard getting to know someone on a reality TV set. You’re around each other all the time, you’re surrounded by other people who all have opinions about your relationships. You get short-tempered just from being on the job constantly—and she and I are both pretty easily pissed off to begin with._

**_HM:_ ** _Not all of your big argument was audible for viewers._

**_EP:_ ** _Thank god. And no, I’m not going to tell you what was said. The world heard more than enough._

**_HM:_ ** _You accused her of not understanding what love is._

Polastri grits her teeth.

**_EP:_ ** _Yes, I did._

**_HM:_ ** _In your last interview, you said there hadn’t been any contact between you after the show. Is that still the case?_

**_EP:_ ** _Actually, no. She got in touch yesterday._

**_HM:_ ** _And?_

Let it be known that I’m a fan of the show. I’m a fan of Polastri and her mean, messy antics; of Astankova and her whimsical ruthlessness—even of Turner and his insufferable boyish charm. I’m invested, the way we’ve all been invested since the _Bachelorette_ ensemble first graced our screens. So I’m on the edge of my seat, here.

**_EP:_ ** _We’re going away together for a while. Seeing how it all works when it’s just us. I think we both got it a bit wrong the first time._

**_HM:_ ** _Congratulations. Where will you two be holidaying?_

Eve Polastri smiles at me, and I already know what she’s going to say.

**_EP:_ ** _Wouldn’t you like to know._

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on the tweet @hhhenrymercury


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